can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
