HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
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