No more Irish car bombs ever.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
