My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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