i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
