I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
