Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Who did Billy Mays play for?
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
