I'm eating all of the evidence.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Randomize
