shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Randomize
