I never want to see another naked old woman again.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
