God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
