he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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