Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
