I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
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