I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
