Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
