He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
