New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
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