how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
