Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize