I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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