so that wasnt chicken after all
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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