I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
