I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
