I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
I look better un-naked...
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Randomize
