yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
