i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Randomize
