i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
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