remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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