Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize