What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
