he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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