This house was built for laser tag.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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