why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
