My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Randomize
