there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Randomize
