Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
