And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
