did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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