the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
