Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Randomize
