make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
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