well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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