If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
