mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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