mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Pants are for mortals
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
