Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Randomize
