Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
