hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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