I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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