I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
