bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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