I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
