a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
