Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
I don't think brook has ever known best
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
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