dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
