No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Still dying that you shit outside
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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