i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
