Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
