end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
