and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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