I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Dear god my vagina.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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