Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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