In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
