Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
