too bad you live with your parents still
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
He had one of those small greek statue penises
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
