if i can run in heels then i can drive
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Randomize
