yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
