i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize