i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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