You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
