I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
