Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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