so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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