I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
