Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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